It's Only Words

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From "Bad to the Bone" ('Exploring the many facets of aggression and violent behaviour')

Words are powerful weapons and can invoke many emotions when used against us.

Remember at the start of this book when I said how hurtful children can be with words to each other? From the day we see how people react to our words, is the day we learn all about the use of intimidation, threats, blackmail and other forms of verbal menace. Although in our young life it may all be in it's infancy, the fruits have been sown for later life.

If we take a trip back to childhood may be we can recall words that would conjure up feelings of dread.

There's a few that I can personally recall:
'It's 7.30, time to get up for school!'
'Wait to your father gets home!'
'It's double math's first lesson!'
'Time to get out of the shallow end of the pool young man and move up to the deep end!'
'Joe Bloggs is looking for you!'
'Time for bed, school tomorrow (Sunday evening)'

To some people these above statements may not bother them whatsoever, but for me as a twelve year old boy, it was next to the end of the world!

You see a few words can either make or break your day. It's not so much the words themselves but it is the context that they are used in that matters. It's like the old joke about the man having a bath when a knock sounded on the front door.

The man shouted out 'What is it, I'm in the bath?' A voice replied, 'I'm the man from Littlewoods.' The guy in the bath thinks, Littlewoods, I must have won the football pools. He races downstairs and opens the door. Excitedly he say 'Yes, what is it?' The man at the door replies, 'I'm sorry sir, but we have just caught your wife shoplifting!'

Right words wrong context, change the whole scenario. Our minds can conjure up many horrific and frightening images when certain dialogue can be used against you. 'The boss wants to see you in his office now,' can get people breaking out in a cold sweat, wondering what he/she wants. On the trip to their office you will turn over every thing you have done the last few days, to figure out if you have done anything wrong. When you get to their office and they speak with you, you find out they are putting you forward for a rise in your salary. Suddenly the whole situation is turned on its head.

There are other scenarios that spell doom, gloom or fear. If you dread the dentist and you are waiting at the front of a queue and you hear the words, 'Next please.' That pretty un-offensive verbal request may send you into a state of blind panic. It could also be true of waiting for your driving test, going for a parachute jump or diving in at the deep end of a swimming pool. But if you were waiting in line for £1000,00 pay out, 'Next please,' would be the words you longed to hear!

It's the same thing when people say, 'I hate flying,' Believe me you don't hate flying. What you have a fear of is being 20.000 ft up in the air and 'not flying'! If the captain announced, 'I'm sorry we are about to crash land,' You would shout 'I love flying, please let me fly!'

Once again it's the context the words are used in that makes the difference. If you were walking around a zoo with a friend and they said 'look over there, there's a lion!' You wouldn't be unduly worried. The same phrase used if you were both walking in a jungle would certainly have a different reaction.

So where is this all leading to in relation to aggression or violence? Well no greater or more powerful words are the 'speak' of intimidation or threats. From children to adults we all live at one time or another with a threat or an intimidating word. The problem is we really don't understand the difference between the two or understand why we feel fearful of these things.

In this chapter we will try to examine the 'speak' of the street in relation to violence. So what is 'Intimidation'? Intimidation will always provide you with an option. For example, 'If you don't move, I'll punch your face in,' 'Give me £1000 and I won't tell your wife you are having an affair.'

The words will contain if, or else, unless or until. A mum will say to a child. 'You touch that again and I will punish you!' To intimidate is to issue some sort of warning to achieve a particular response.

Nine times out of ten the person will not act on their words. People regularly throw intimidating remarks around all the time. The words become cheap. 'Don't touch my car or I'll kill you,' is a pretty profound statement but very few thank God actually mean those words.

We must realise intimidating people is just another form of bullying and we must not lose sight of this. Most intimidators won't follow up the threats unless it's some sort of legal matter, unpaid bills, council tax etc. Some people live their whole life under the threats of intimidation. Women in violent marriages, children who are abused, employees working for a bullying boss and so on.

A lot of people can intimidate to give them a protective fence around themselves. Some as discussed elsewhere can back up their threats, others can't. Those that can't rely on their intimidating tactics to protect them. Using these tactics can also get you what you want or control another person.

In sport these scare tactics can give an individual or team an edge to win. I remember reading about Liverpool football legend Tommy Smith. He had a reputation on the field for being a 'hard man' and it was no false label in his case. He intimidated many a player and put them totally out of their stride. Once ex-Leicester player Frank Worthington recalled how he had gone past Smith on two occasions earlier on in a game. Worthington was a great ball player and dribbler. After the second time Smith came up behind him and snarled in his ear, 'Do that again son and I'll break your f-----g back!'

Needless to say Worthington drifted out of the game. Smith's tactic worked. I could recount many examples but I'm sure you get the picture.

The rule is don't allow yourself to be intimidated. If you don't the person threatening will have no hold on you. This is true in the case of a blackmailer. Don't give them an edge so they have nothing to control you with. If you are in the position of being blackmailed, come clean and the blackmailer's hold is broken and they will go away. Be warned pay money once, you will pay it again and again. Don't do it.

If people shout an intimidating remark at us, our bodies immediately go into survival mode. Adrenalin courses through our veins, heart rate goes up, we break into a sweat, our breathing quickens.

All these and more we mistake for fear. When this happens, check yourself and the situation. Are you in immediate danger, are there words going to hurt you, will you have to physically defend yourself? Evaluate the moment and react accordingly. Don't let fear or blind panic grip you. Think rationally and you will be able to deal with the situation.

The major problem is our minds are masters of conjuring up the worst case scenarios. If the person using intimidatory tactics has a reputation for Violence then we tend to believe they mean it when they say 'I'm going to tear your head off if you don't move out of the way!'

It can be a frightening occurance and when the fear factor is introduced we do not think logically. Please remember words are only words and they cannot physically harm you, they will only do so if you allow them to get a grip on you and run wild through the corridors in your mind.

What about a threat? How is it different to intimidation? A threat gives no option. 'I'm going to kill you!' 'You're about to die!' When I next see you I'm going to shoot you! A threat gives you it straight but again most threats don't come to anything. Celebrities, politicians and people in prominent positions suffer threats all the time. Sure they have to be reported and taken seriously but as I mentioned most come to nothing. For the average person though being threatened can be an extremely scary and traumatic experience.

Anonymous threats can be a truly unpleasant experience. Whether received in a letter form or phone call, they can be very upsetting. Try to remember though a long distance threat is again very rarely followed up. It is a scare tactic that gives the 'threatener' a sick rush of pleasure and satisfaction. Never forget they have chosen to be anonymous because they are cowardly and would never say the things they have mentioned to you face to face.

The 'In your face' threat should be taken more seriously. Why? Because this person has hid nothing from you. They are facing you down, maybe in the presence of witnesses and this doesn't faze them whatsoever. They have still openly made their threat. If this threat has come after a long spell of previous intimidation, then take it serious, it means this person is running out of options and getting desperate. Desperate people take desperate measures, violent measure if need be.

The best way to deal with this is to deal with it there and then, don't allow the threat to hang in the air. Facing up to a threat demands a lot of courage but it is better to get the outcome over with now than have days or weeks of uncertainty waiting for a 'visit' or looking over your shoulder every minute.

If you feel the threat is serious, go to the police and voice your concern and get help. If you can't get any joy, my suggestion is to confront this person and 'settle the matter', how you do it I am not at liberty to suggest, but I guarantee this option is better than living in fear for weeks or months on end.

Remember the intimidator, blackmailer, etc only has power or a hold on you if you allow them. Do not give them a mental ledge to perch on, knock them off straight away and defeat their plan. Yet it takes a courage but it is the quickest method of claiming back your normal life again.

Something else we must also consider is why we received the threat. Have we done this person wrong in some way? Do you know the person? Is it a friend, a family member, work colleague or neighbour? It could be a total stranger that you may have inadvertently upset. (E.g. cut up in your car, you jumped infront of in a queue etc). If you realise it's your fault, try and rectify the situation.

Let's give you an example.
You are in a crowded pub and you accidentally knock the arm of a guy next to you, spilling his beer over his shirt. He whirls around and confronts you spewing out threats and obscenities. Try to calm the situation, apologize, offer to buy him another drink.

Ignore the initial burst of outrage, as discussed earlier some people just live on a knife-edge. If this individual keeps ranting on and cursing you, say in a firm and calm manner, 'Look I've offered a drink, I can't be fairer than that,' and walk away. It's best to leave the explosive area, because this situation is now deteriorating down the old familiar path to violence.

If you are perceptive of the signs, as I hope you are by now, we are heading for a pointless and stupid physical encounter. Leaving the scene may diffuse the situation. If your ego is so fragile that you can't but push the matter, then this book hasn't been of any help to you! If you know you could punch this guy's lights out, what is the point bringing a shed load of grief on yourself?

If when you have walked, the guy pursues you, then prepare to keep your distance and be prepared for the physical if you can't get away. Remember now in this instance you have no choice and if you have to defend yourself, be first, hit hard and fast with a pre-emptive strike and get away.

Realise this last part of the scenario you couldn't avoid but before hand you had ample opportunity to make an escape route. People in this day and age randomly spew out all sorts of intimidation and, threats without even thinking about what they're saying. You hae to learn to let these remarks dissolve past you like water off a duck's back.

If somebody shouts out 'w-k-r' at you, don't let it faze you unless of course you are one! Talk is cheap, it's only hurtful if you allow it to be. If you work in the door supervisors world, in pubs and clubs, being called all sorts of names, being threatened etc is par for the course. These people just let it go over their head. They will not react unless they feel they are in physical danger.

Some 'brainless individuals' think fronting out a doorman or 'throwing insults' at them make them some sort of hardcase. Most door personnel are trained to only react when a person makes a physical move. The majority of these 'hardcases' won't make the move or over step the mark.

For the average person being verbally abused and threatened is not on the daily agenda, that's why it can be so disturbing.

In my Martial Arts classes we practise verbal aggression de-escalation techniques. Where you re-create scenarios where one person will shut and snarl abuse at another, being as crude or insulting as they wish. This helps the other individual learn to let this abuse go over their head and not be fearful of it, but just accept it as part and parcel of the modern street thug.

It is a powerful exercise that is highly recommended for anybody that has trouble with verbal confrontation. Never forget the old saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.'

Examples of street speak
a) 'What are you f-----g looking at?
b) 'Are you f-----g looking at me
c) 'What's your problem, pal?'
d) 'You looking for trouble?'
e) 'What you say, well, I'm f-----g talking to you?'
f) 'You got a f-----g problem with me?'
g) 'You do that again and you'll get a f-----g slap'
h) 'Ow, w----r, get out of the way'
i) 'You know me? Well? Do you want a go then do you?'
j) 'You're looking at my Mrs. Well I asked you a question?'
k) 'Do I know you pal? Have you got a problem with me?'

The above examples are all entry techniques used by the aggressive street thug. They are used to see your reaction and close the distance on you. Beware of this.

Do not get fixated by their dialogue otherwise you will not see them line you up for a strike. Remember the dialogue is meaningless, it is just a pre-cursor for violence. To learn more about this read Geoff Thompson's '3 second Fighter' or Jamie O'Keefe's 'Pre-emptive strikes for winning fights.'

I have found most people even many Martial Artists will not have a clue how a street predator will use dialogue to set you up for an attack. If you don't read body language, understand street speak or attack ritual all the fighting skills in the world will stand for nothing, you will not get a chance to use them. So start learning about 'verbal aggression' and tame it, so again it becomes an important weapon that your aggressor cannot use against you.

Article written by Kevin O'Hagan.

Book published by New Breed and is available straight from author by contacting the email address below. Price £13.99 inclusive of p.p.

You can contact me on Kevin O'Hagan 0117 952 5711

http://www.bristolgoshinjutsu.com/

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